A couple years ago, I never saw myself where I am today, even at the start of grade 9 I never expected to turn out to be the person I am now. Now that I know who I am though, there is a sense that a long saught out quest has been accomplished and now I have to deal with the treasures that were found. I absolutely love who I am, even if I do have my major flaws (Self confidence, shyness, pathetically weak, and easy to take advantage of my good will, narcolepsy, easily angered which leads to instant desire for violence) Among other things not mentioned, but my life is kinda funny lately.

I'm really missing someone, and not sure if she is even ok right now. People say me and her arn't really siblings just cause we are not related by blood, but really, I think family is far deeper than blood. She really is my sister, no matter what happens, I'll always love her like my closest family. There are days I feel protective of her, days I can't stand her, but through it all I can't deny she is my sister, and for some reason people can't understand that just because she is not relaited to me by blood. It might help that she was always there for me when I actually started to develope a personality, and really turning into who I am, so in a bizzar way, I did grow up with her.


So I guess this is a pretty selfish journal, me me me. Sometimes though we need to think of ourselves, if we always gave out to others, eventually we'd run out of stuff to give, in most cases that would be personality and joy, cause eventually you loose yourself really. I've always been a person to be there for other people, because in all honestly I have a great life, with perfectly normal problems and plenty to smile about at the end of the day, and I enjoy being able to help others, making my friends and even random strangers able to look up and enjoy their lives for some reason is just something that I put aside my own time to do.
But I haven't really done that in awhile, atleast that I've known I was doing it. I use to sit down and talk with people for hours to help them solve problems or deal with issues. Hell I've stopped suicides, but I guess people just don't trust me like they use to, maybe something about me changed. Thats always happening at this age though, Change. Its so fast, and so subtle yet powerful that it can unsettle us, shock us, and confuse us. Changes in mind, in personality.

Well...that narcolepsy is kicking in again, its getting harder to stay awake. Its sleep kinda feels bitter sweet, like death's embrace. A combination of strong temptation and even stronger force, it basically impossible to resist really, but I'm learning to fight it. My eyelids kinda feel like they are made of led and led weights are pulling them down, and as soon as they get shut my brain starts shutting down and the world around me feels like a dream until I pass out seconds later
But thats just when its at its worst, sometimes its just being groggy and kinda outa it, or very tired.


Well I hope you are doing well, to who ever braves to read this. Not many people read my journals anymore I don't think. They either don't care or are too busy, I do write long ones. Its kinda nice to have a place where people I know can read my thoughts but I still feel like I am just talking out, not within a confined mind set but out to an entire community, out to myself, so really it doesn't matter to me that much.